it's funny how, now, after all this time, the littlest trigger set off memories of you - raw, unyielding, potent. last night, after a million years, i cried for you. not the dainty tears that slip off unnoticed from lowered eyes. not polite grief that can be seen, but not heard. not even sadness that finds solace in a pillow.
i cried. like a child learning the use of her lungs for the very first time. guttural, heart-wrenching, uncivilized tears.
i had buried your memory, the pain that comes with thoughts of your smile. the way you clench your teeth when tenderness awashes you. how you looked at me before leaning in to kiss me. your naked vulnerability in the face of everyday seperation. your hands as they tremble reaching out to touch me, your arms as they held me like i was your one sole possession in the world. i was, wasn't i?
your only possession. sole recipient of your love, keeper of your secrets, reader of your mind. the little hole in the tree where you stored your heart - albeit temporarily. your corny other half - a role that i reveled in.
i had forgotten all that. the time had passed when i went to sleep with your memory, dreamt of you, woke up with the pain of your absence. i was past anger, past what-ifs and why-nots. i had worked really hard on the forgetting, forgetting ultimately that a love like ours could never ever be forgotten.
buried - yes.
denied - maybe.
but, disregarded
without regret? - the unfinished
work of a few lifetimes.
where did it go - our love? did god use it elsewhere to make the world a better place? did he use it to obliterate hatred and collective pain? did He need it more than we did? if stupid, useless matter cannot be destroyed, but only transferred, can love just die like that? can it disappear without a trace? first love, now irrepressible grief. maybe i was created merely as a generator of powerful emotions. perhaps i was never meant to be, only dream.
last night, when my vision blurred - with sobs that dried-up my throat, i kept calling your name. with a head that throbbed mercilessly and a heart that felt dead, i wondered if the void you left behind would ever be filled. i pleaded, through incorrigible words, to the one who took a half of me away. i begged him not to leave me incomplete. i asked if he would give me another miracle, another you.
love streaks in like lightning, and never really leaves even after this world exhausts itself, and the other begins.
the end of my pathos.
leaves me, with one but question - will i still be looking for you in the beautiful depths of Jannah? will you be the reward i long for, after a lifetime of worship, good deeds and piety? will you then be the person of paradise that i spend eternity with? if so, i will but make peace with lending you out to another.
