holding on, letting go

how, how
do i not want you -
let me count the whys.

i poked, probed
never trusting her whoring ways -
happiness -
promiscuous bitch -
bleeding dry and leaving.
you brought her with you,
watching silently as she filled me up,
broke me down,
raising rivers
where streams could hardly
ever flow.

it started innocently enough;
a touch here, a smile there,
shared smokes, bad coffee,
instant conversation.
soon, you stood me
in the middle of a noisy street,
face flushed, misplaced silences,
eyes locked.
one fearless moment of leaning over ,
one butterfly kiss.

you loved me, didn't you -
from the first time
we clutched hands?
you loved me -
when i slipped the words out,
people watching all but us?
you held back, looked away,
broke my heart.
how - you asked me -
could you love me so bloody much?
you already did.
you loved - past present continuous.

we walked, you left,
i ran, you came back,
we cried, laughed,
made wild, passionate love.
slowly, but slowly you fell
in love with me.

i hold on -
afraid there will never
be a you again,

i let go -
remembering you will
always be you.

half a life of
waiting, watching,
falling, feeling,
looking, listening,
kissing, caressing.

hold my hand as we go through the difficult parts.
hold me as we grow apart,
love me from a distance.

i love you -
but maybe love
was not meant
to compete with forever.

i love you -
but maybe love
is sluttier than happiness.

hold me still,
watch me, own me, care.
i cannot die all over again.

i love you so
bloody much,
so much it hurts
to be holding on
and letting go.